Who I was….To who I am

Date: September 2011

Age: 19 years old

As I looked back to the knock on the door and saw the doctor enter my heart sank, my face went cold, and I started to feel dizzy, and I couldn’t speak . As I laid down the ceiling started to spin as they injected the medication into my arm asleep I fell and life was taken. All the tears, all the prayers, all the begging and pleading and nothing to show for it. I woke up feeling lonely, incomplete, afraid, ashamed, disappointed the devil had won he lied to me and I was weak.

It’s now Dec 31 where did the rest of the months ago? How can I not remember my 20th birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas? All  I know was it was dark, vodka, weed, sex, lies, fights to hid the pain behind my eyes. God…. where was he?

Easter April 2012 

I started to bleed the night before, we were going to keep you. I rushed to the hospital at 9 weeks knowing there was nothing they could do but I prayed there would be a miracle. The Dr. came in and said “it’s definitely a miscarriage your pregnancy count in your blood stream is now vary low”. I remember the monotone in his voice no sincerity, no sympathy just another patient and had me go on my way.  My heart broke yet again Monday when my gynecologist asked me “what was your method of birth control when you got pregnant” I said none and she said “well look how that turned out” and wrote up a prescription and had me on my way. I got home full of anger and I looked up and said I hate you God why are you punishing me!?! I was so angry at God and the devil heard me. Then the devil said I deserved to lose this baby for aborting my first child. He then attacked me night after night filling my room with darkness and even as I screamed and tried to reach for Michael who laid beside me he never heard me.
I got so scared after three nights of this I surrender to God and asked for forgiveness and prayed to him. He forgave me and the attacks stopped. You would think after this I would have changed but I couldn’t I didn’t want to, too much pain.
So the devil found his way into my life through other ways. He kept me from church by keeping me out in the clubs Friday and Saturday nights. He kept sinful music in my ears and in my eyes. Things we don’t think can really harm us he kept there to keep me blind.

July 2013

5 years in a relationship with Michael we had been through so much and now we were 30 weeks pregnant with our son, planning a wedding, and starting a plan to get a house in the up coming months. I thought things were looking good for us even tho we didn’t go to church, even tho we didn’t pray, even tho we had no true relationship with God. For what? Things were good without all of that. But they really weren’t we were just to blind to see it and that’s when everything fell apart  yet again. I found out he was cheating and my world came crumbling down I felt stupid, ashamed, lonely. 

Why god? I asked over and over again. What have I done to deserve this I’ve cleaned up so I could be healthy if I conceived I’ve been good my pregnancy I’m a good person I am loving fiancé. Why are you doing this to me, to my son, to my family why have you allowed this? Again the devil came in and told me I deserved it and that I would never be good enough and filled my head and heart with lies and hatred.

July 2014

22 years old

Son: 10 months old

Status: 4 months pregnant with baby girl

July 2014 We can’t seem to stay together yet we can’t stay away. And now as I open the back door to my truck that Michael has used the night before, there on the floor I see an open empty condom wrapper and I go crazy. I ask God AGAIN why?! Why me?! I give this Man my everything and he still hurts, betrays, cheats, and lies to me. Why God?!? That’s the night the devil enters again and starts to give me thoughts and desires to want to end myself. He made me believe I was unlovable, unwanted, unworthy, he made me feel less than dirt. I looked at my son who was asleep at my feet and fought with myself and the devil. I said I love my son I love my daughter how can I leave them. I broke down and prayed to God to give me a sign that I would get through this. I prayed to God to send me sign I should be alive and before I could say another word both my sleeping son and my daughter in my belly kicked on me. I cried in amazement that even after all my sins and distance from God he still listened to me when I cried out to him. He still showed me mercy. I wish I would have given my life to God at that vary moment and still I didn’t. I don’t know why I didn’t but I didn’t.

This caused many more months of an unsatisfied life. Michael and I could not go a couple of weeks or so without getting into really nasty and ugly fights. We were struggling to pay bills and keep things together. Life was so hard our relationship was hanging on by threads. We hated being together most of the time but tried for our kids. We inflicted pain on each other with broken promises and hatered words.

April 2016 enough was enough for me. I couldn’t take the pain I couldn’t take the fights I couldn’t take the untrusting relationship I had with Michael. I kicked him out and prepared to be a single mother of 2 and at this point 5 years later is when I knew something had to change in my life. Someone who was constantly put on the back burner of my life who was there in my darkest moments now had to be priority in my life. That someone of course was God! And this is when I was introduced to my Church. I grew up as a Catholic so I wasn’t expecting much when I entered into a Christian Church. I never really understood what was being preached to me or felt welcomed or wanted at church. I didn’t think a Christian church would be any different. However this church treated me as if they knew me from the moment I walked in I was welcomed by faces that didn’t seem to be fake everyone was genuinely nice and welcoming even to me a complete stranger walking in. We started into worship and I cried as the words being sung spoke straight into my heart. Then the pastor started his sermon and I was so caught off guard by what I was experiencing. The emptiness I had been trying to fill for the past 5 years was starting to be filled. I continued to go and not even two months later I was baptized I had finally allowed God to have my heart. I had never felt fullfiment in my life like this before!

It’s been a year now that I have been attending South Hills North Church! Through this church I have learned that my past is my past and God loves me no matter what I have done. I have learned that God has so much mercy for our sins if all we do is ask for his mercy grace and forgiveness he will grant us with that!! I have been blown away to finally find a church that accepts me and loves me and supports me in my journey with Christ our Lord. I have Pastors who know my story and can genuinely look me in my eyes and say “I love you even more for sharing your story with me” come on guys our own Pastor Laura said she loves me even more how amazing is that!!!! This is what Jesus and God wants from us! Loving christians who are not going to cast stones upon you for your past mistakes because no one is perfect. Christians who are going to say your past is your past you have a greater God who loves you so much no matter what. Christians who are going to support you moving forward and not keep you looking back at what you’ve done wrong. It’s never too late to surrender your life to God. It’s never to late to ask for forgiveness and it’s never to late for you too change your life around. Since I have started attending my church I have seen my life change drastically. I am so much more happier genuinely happer. Michael and I have come back together, both of us have been baptized, and serving in our church. We are now growing our kids up with Jesus, the Bible, prayers, worship, and church in their lives. We are now praying more and giving to our church, and we are seeing blessing after blessing. We are not perfect and sometime bumps come but with God and church things are now so much easier to handle and deal with. This would have never been possible without our God and without our church family. Thank you South Hills North! Pastor Brandon and Laura Thank you Pastor Charlie and Mary and Pastor Brian and Jacquelin and all of the South Hills North family for helping save My family and I.

One thought on “Who I was….To who I am

  1. This is Truly an amazing journey. With God now in your life and heart there will not be any misfortune that is a blessing in disguise. You have the strength many women are searching for and through this avenue you will bring many women to Lve our Heavenly Father🙏🏼

    Liked by 1 person

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